A reflection on Valentines Day and what it means to me.
I was always the type of girl who thought she'd be married by 23. I was in a serious relationship when I was in college and had spent my college years planning to marry him. Marriage for some reason had become built up in my head as an end goal, the ultimate destination for happiness. I was a hopeless romantic, yes, but I was probably just also really scared to be alone. He ended up breaking my heart and I spent the next few years redefining myself in an anti-thesis sort of way, and ultimately ended up with the wrong guy again. This time, more cognitive and supposedly more mature, I thought I had it figured out. But it was my second try at love and boy was I was wrong.
There was a saying that really haunted me when I was in that relationship. "In order to love, you must love yourself first." This implies that there's something wrong on your end, that unless you fix yourself, you cannot adequately love another. If you are in this situation, well, let me be the first to relieve you of that notion. I used to think that I was the problem. I thought I just didn't love myself enough, and that's why I was an unsuccessful girlfriend. I think the problem with that saying is, I didn't even know who I was anymore. One compromise led to another, and I ended up in a 4-year relationship just going through the motions.
If you guys have been following me on Instagram, you might have noticed a change in my content since late 2015. I began to advocate for passion and art and pursuing authenticity. I was on fire again for all the right things because I fell in love again. I fell in love with art. Art as a means of pure expression and the kind of art that makes every moment in life meaningful and special. It was around the time I started to travel and go to fashion week with the Chriselle team. Having that distance from LA made me realize that I wasn't living the way that was authentic to who I actually was. I was traveling and taking pictures and making art, and these were the things that I loved. For the first time again, I was alive. In the midst of the art, I had found myself. And in that sense, it was much easier to be confident in myself and "love myself" because I knew exactly what made me me, and there was no more compromising my identity and the things I wanted.
Needless to say, although ending a 4-year relationship was the hardest thing I had to do, it was also the best thing I did for both of us. I'm sharing this because love is meaningless if it isn't passionate. Love is imperfect and messy but it will always demand the most true and deepest part of us. Life never ever goes as planned and it's absolutely okay to fail at love, just try again. Try again because you deserve the world.
For all the girls out there, Happy Valentines Day.
Happy Valentines Day because you deserve to be loved for exactly as you are.
& remember ...
You are beautiful.
You are enough.
And you are not alone.
& one more thing ...
One of the best things about last year is meeting someone who makes me feel exactly like that. R is thoughtful and generous and passionate for all the right things. But most of all, he is the kindest soul I've ever met. He encourages me to be exactly myself and understands me more deeply than anyone else have ever cared to know. If you guys have noticed a change in my quality of content in the past 6 months, it's also because he pushes and supports me, and you can go so much further with someone who allows you to fly.
Happy Valentines Day R, I love you.